101 European Geography

Good morning everyone. Today we're going to review our understanding of european geography, with particular reference to 20th Century historical events. Let's start at Calais and head south east across northern France and the Immaginot Line, ha ha, to the rather pleasant Ardennes Forest. OK so far? This is almost entirely cheese-eating surrender monkey territory, although you may encounter the odd Belgian if, like the Germans, you stray over the border. Famous Belgians at the back? Very good Hergé.

Things get a bit complicated if you continue south east because, when you reach the corner of France you obviously get to Germany, though if you have Baker's map reading skills, you might pass through Luxembourg to get there, isn't that right Baker? Anyway once you have sorted out any consequent misunderstandings with the local polizei, you turn right to head south down the left hand side of Germany through an area called the Black Forest.

Where else do we know which is foreign and forested? Yes, Jones Wales. The land of your fathers. Well the Schwarzwald, as they call it out there, is not quite as big as Wales but the locals do drink a lot of beer and there are some lovely hills similar in size to Snowdon and even more popular with motorbikers than the Black Mountains, though they're covered in pine forests, so the rugby is rubbish.

You'll know when you reach the bottom of Germany because you run into the Alps and Switzerland, where they still think cuckoo clocks are something special. So turn left again and head east to Europe's biggest lake, the Bodensee or Lake Konstanz which is really every bit as nice as Windermere where Miss Smith and I enjoyed the school outing last year. Mmmm. Melanie...

Where was I? Ah yes: Bavaria.. You have now reached a particularly difficult bit of Europe where countries like Lichenstein and Austria are jostling for your attention. However, they never come up in exams so you can safely ignore them and head slightly north east across at the bottom of Germany until you reach Munich.

Heard of Adolf Schikelgruber, Schmidt? Well the good folk of southern Germany liked him rather a lot. Munich was where he had what's called his powerbase, even though he came from Austria which goes to show what broad-minded people the good folk of Bavaria were. Always ready to welcome outsiders.

How's the mental map going, Descartes? Yes, you're right, it is confusing. We're all good europeans now so what do these borders matter? the fact is that, whether it's the Tyrol or Tonypandy, the Black Forest or the Black Mountains, local differences in culture, dialect, beer and wine are still massively important. People want to celebrate where they live, even, god help us, if it's Luxembourg.

Next week, we'll look at what happens on the other side of the mountains: that's Austria, the Tyrol, Italy and Switzerland for those who actually need to pass this exam. We might mention France too. Or maybe not. Now where's my Toblerone?